Pharaoh Katt

(Trigger warning for mention of self-harm)

If you had asked me five years ago, I would have said I was straight.

If you had asked me two years ago, I would have said I was straight, and told myself the same.

If you had asked me one year ago, I would have lied and said I was mostly straight.

Ask me today: I am not straight.

This was actually one of the hardest things for me to accept. You see, I was brought up in a conservative Christian home. Homosexuality, I was taught, is evil and a sin. Pray for the poor homosexual people who just can't help themselves and are destined for Hell!
Even thinking about this, about believing it for so long, makes me sick to my stomach.

This type pf brainwashing can be seriously damaging. I would like to illustrate this with a little story:

I was once smitten with a woman I lived with (Hi Kat!!).
I used to think about it constantly, to the point of obsession. I thought constantly about it, often imagining a day when she would realise she felt the same and we'd have this really intense relationship which fed off our already intense friendship. We'd stay up late just talking and fall asleep in each others' arms.

But there was a problem with this fantasy. It was wrong, I told myself. I felt dirty and evil and ashamed. I stayed awake for nights, unable to sleep, my guilt pressing heavily on me. I gouged at my arms, showered for hours, trying to wash off the stench of evil. I told myself again and again that God hated me for my feelings, that I was straight because to be otherwise was not an option, that maybe if I just pretended the feelings didn't exist they'd go away.

Eventually the feelings did go away. I stopped crushing on my housemate. But the guilt remained.

Overcoming this brainwashing was not easy, and I'm honestly not sure how I did it. I do know that, once I started dating LM, I started to accept myself more. I accepted my kinkiness, I chose to not save sex for marriage (I was doing it for all the wrong reasons). I started to accept that, maybe, just maybe, loving women as well as men wasn't such a bad thing.

So am I bi? I thought. It didn't seem as straight forward as that. I recalled something Kat said to me once: I'm attracted to people, not to their genitalia. I started to think about the people I loved romantically - not just small flings, actual romantic love (I specify, because I love my friends and my family and my children, but it's different).

There are only three, maybe four of them (not too sure about the fourth - different story). They all have dark curly hair and glasses. And the relationships I have with all of them is intense.
I came across the term Pansexual, and suddenly the lightbulb switched on. It all made sense at last. I honestly don't care about gender, I care about the people.
There is another reason I like pan over bi. Sex and gender are not binaries. Although right now my attraction runs clearly in one direction (LM), I can be attracted to anyone, and that includes people who don't conform to the gender binary.

But it took me a long time to actually identify with this. For starters, I've only ever been in relationships with men. I felt like I was co-opting, just because it was "safe" to do so.
And now I realise that, out of the people I've felt a deep, romantic love for, only one of them is a man, and that's LM.

I still have doubts. I still feel like I'm "not queer enough". I still feel the guilt and shame of "sin". But you know what? I've decided not to care, to love who I love, and to be myself.

I was linked to 13 signs your relationship is doomed via Shakesville. It was soo funny, I just had to do a point-by-point take-down. Yet more relationship advice that relies on tried gender stereotypes and assumed mono-heterosexuality. Woot?

1. You're a lot smarter than he is: Um... One of the things LM says He loves about me is my smarts. Now, He is ridiculously smarts, too, and probably smarter than me, but there's plenty I know about that He doesn't. One of the best things about our relationship are the stimulating conversations we have.

2. Residual immaturity: He is a gamer. I watch cartoons (Transformers! AstroBoy!). We both read comics. ZOMG our relationship will fail!!!11

3. Differing opinions on A) Meal responsibility and B) Palate: This one I'll concede. Couples need to find a routine that works for them. (LM does most of the cooking, I do most of the dishes. It works)

4. Grooming/bathing/hygiene take a back seat: I haven't shaved my legs in a very long time, nor do I intend to. I shave my under-arms in summer, because it's more comfortable. Legs? No. Never.

5. Girl-cations/Man-cations: If I want my space, I'll take it. If He wants His space, He'll take it. That makes us work

6. TV in the bedroom: When we first started dating, we slept in the lounge with the TV. I still love snuggling up to watch one of our favourite shows.

7. Having rugrats: This I'll agree with. Except the part about sex life going after having children.

8. Using the bathroom in each other's presence: I have to quote LICD. How do you know you're in love? “If you can picture her pooping and still want to have sex afterwards, you’re there.”

9. King-size beds: We will have a bed that suits us, thanks all the same.

10. Half-truths to girlfriends: No, I don't tell my friends every detail of our fights. That would be a serious breach of trust!

11. A drastic change in appearance: I just said to LM this morning "I want to do my hair purple or purple and turquoise, what do you think?" He thinks it will look good :P

12. Momma's boy or Daddy's little girl: Possibly. Depends on the relationship you both have with both parents.

13. "Oops, I mean ..." moments: Um... Never happened to us, not sure on this one.

I would like to recount for you a conversation I had today with one of the presumed-males in my kindy room. Said PM is one of the oldest in my room, and attends a Kindy** part-time.
This conversation occurred while he was playing with some cardboard cars. He said that his car was "a boys' car" and mocked the other child for holding "a girls' car".

I went over to talk to the child, and this exchange occurred. (NB: K = me, PM = the child)

K: What makes your car a boys' car?
PM: Well, it goes really fast.
K: Girls can go really fast, too.
PM: *look of disbelief* What?
K: It's true. Girls can race in race cars.
PM: No way!
K: Yup. Some girls even build their own race cars, and then race in them.
PM: But I've never seen a girl race on TV.

Now try telling me that the media doesn't have an impact on children. This is why feminists sweat the "small stuff". It very quickly ads up to "big stuff".

*A reflection on my feelings of helplessness, not saying we should stop teaspooning.
**The type attached to a primary school

(Crossposted to my other blog)

Picture this scenario: I'm sitting in the staff room on my lunch break, looking at blogs on my iPhone. BB sits next to me, reading the paper. Sue is on the other side of me, eating her lunch. I find BB annoying sometimes, because she likes to think she knows better than the Qualifieds in all the other rooms, but the incident has endeared her to me.

BB opens the paper to the opinion section and reads the main headline toherself: "Why is WA failing the mentally ill?"
To be honest, I expected snark from her.
Instead, BB says, mostly to herself but to everyone else as well, "Because for the most part it's an invisible condition which isn't understood by the majority of the population".

What have I learned? Don't judge your coworkers. They are full of awesome surprises.

LM was making chili that I could take to lunch with me today. We also had a bowl of tomatoey meat yums in the fridge

LM: You could take the bowl of meat-stuff, that's already made up.
Me: Yeah, that'll probably be easier for me.
LM: And it means that I get more sleeps.
Me: Hmm? Why does that give you more sleeps?
LM: I won't have to get up early to shred the meats so you can take it to work. 'Cause you don't like shredding meats.
Me: You mean you were gonna get up at six o'clock just to shred meats for me because I don't like to?
LM: ... Maybe...

I have a few stories to tell today. Obviously I won't be using any names. But sit back and enjoy!

There are two children in the kindy room who are very close friends, and always hanging out together. One is a presumed-male and one is a presumed-female. Let's call them PM and PF. Today they were playing in the home corner with some Barbie dolls.

PM asked me to help him put a wedding dress on his Barbie. Once I had finished, he declared the Barbie "Super Woman!!" and started flying her around the room. Pretty soon PF joined him, and they flew their Barbies around the room together, rescuing the other dolls and flying in a magic, flying boat, which was actually the toy plastic sink.

Let's look at all the ways this subverts Patriarchy!

1. A boy playing with a girl! Neither one thinks the other has cooties, and they're both at the age when "girls play with girls and boys play with boys"
   
2. PM wanted to play with the Barbies. He often plays with dolls or Barbies or otherwise in the home corner.
   
3. PM did not pretend that his Barbie was a boy.
   
4. He also very clearly wanted his Barbie to be Super Woman!! not Super Girl. He corrected PF when she called it Super Girl.
   
5. PF playing super hero games and rescuing dolls!

It's mostly PM that I focused on, but I think it's great that he is like this. I've seen many a presumed-female wearing pants and getting dirty, but it's so much rarer to see presumed-males wearing dresses and playing with dolls. But I keep seeing it in my centre, and I encourage it when I can! (I never discourage their play, that is a very big no no)

Another thing that happened today was a different presumed-male wanted me to help him try on a dress. This is the same presumed-male I've mentioned before wearing toe-nail polish and playing with a fairy wand.

One of the children today decided to throw a block at another child. It hit him in the head, and he had quite a bruise. I grabbed him an ice-pack, and the other carer comforted him while I wrote out the incident report form (I was the one who saw it, so I wrote it out)

There were two huge roaches!! I have a phobia of roaches. I didn't scream, but I was shaking a little and had to call for help. I couldn't get near them. Two roaches means we have to spray :( But luckily they weren't nesting roaches, so there won't be a colony anywhere (thank the gods!)

Not much reading happened today, which I found disappointing. But the children do love books, so it's not a trend :)

Full-time work starts next week!! I am excited and terrified and full of jibbly-worms!! They wriggle in my belleh!!

Obama to end military gay policy

US President Barack Obama has said he will end the ban on gay people serving openly in the military.

He said he would repeal the "don't ask, don't tell" policy that allows gay people to serve in the military if they do not reveal their sexual orientation.

See my tentative fist in the air. Tentative because he's still not set a timetable.


Also, no more invite codes. Sorry!

I've been modifying my account settings for DW. I want to see if it works.

Also, I have two invite codes available if anyone wants them... :)